There is no Ham

There is a god, and he hogs his pork. No pun. i was all set for my bagel today man, the obligatory fuel after my stomach's gone kaputnik from too much beer and not enough self-hatred (i get queezy when my self esteem rises). Woke up, drank a beer, watched the daily show, farted on a houseguest, got on the bus to school for a test and on the way i realize i would make today different.

Today's bagel would be glorious, carmelized onions, perfectly fried ham-maybe i'd bake it with some sugar-no it needs the pan; cream cheese, tomato, a fresh baked bagel from the market district. I dreamt about it the whole way to school, it creeped into my skull while i was trying to think about the federal government's relationship with the press. Even the 8's on the ID number of the bus home, the "witamy dO" sign on the way through polish hill reminded me of fucking bagels. The bagel wasnt the important part though. The ham-the ham was important. Not any honey or brown sugar glazed pressed shiite but fresh ham off the bone, thin cut, perfect for a bagel.

So i get home, put a movie about boticelli on my giant television and get to work. Onions, sugar, butter in the pan, bagel in the toaster ready to be slid down into the abyss, and then, then, the fridge seems bare. Certainly not bare of beer, or condiments (still have to pick up a new bottle of sriracha) but of swine! No dead pig! blasphemy! There's always gotta be some in there-sometimes i go for the bacon but its usually ham-its key to my protein intake and i usually just have some garbage off brand chipped stuff from the shittastic shur save down the street but i had to have had more than a half a pound of nice off the bone ham from the market district. All gone.

This is what i get for seeing how much yuengling i can drink how fast. It certainly didnt help that i discovered one of the best ways to get beer from the atmosphere into your tank is with the corner of a rectangular pyrex conatiner. Even all the episodes of rocko's modern life are no substitute for booze as comfort when you keep the sort of company i do. Not to shit on my friends, but they can be a heavy cerebral load to bear.

I found the deli bag in the trash. It was floating by a styrofoam takeout container and some four pack rings. Beautifully, though, was how i instantly found i had eaten it all was what was outside the bag. that awesome thin brown deli paper they put between the scale and the meat when they weigh it out for you, probably created in the same 3 factories for every grocery store in the world, just to keep your meat clean. Awesome. There will be more ham soon, and more thin brown paper.

hungry,

lolrat